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spanish is kicking my ass and i'm really worried that i'm not taking the next class until fall. that's all summer to forget what i'm barely able to remember right now. last semester was pretty easy, but i just can't hold anything from this semester in my brain.

i feel like overall i've gotten too lazy with school recently. i'm doing well, but not actually putting much effort in? i've fallen into the whole cramming last minute and relying on the fact that most of my tests are open book/note. i've been watching too much tv in the evenings and not utilizing my off time at work the way i did last semester and at the beginning of this semester.

i mean. it's finals week, so i can't exactly change my habits now, but hey.

next semester i'm taking intermediate spanish 1, sociology of the family, a 1 hr walking course, and an interdisciplinary course on islam. the islam course is good timing, since i'm planning on reading a lot about jewish and christian theologies this summer and hopefully the islam course will kind of just pick up where i leave off. at least, judging from the textbooks it's going to be in the same vein.

i am so very tired. i mean, i babysat until 1am, but also slept until 10am, so i feel like i shouldn't still be this tired, but god, i am. it's 7:30, and i want to go get in bed right now.

dinner with new friends the other night was really lovely! they're my favorite kind of moms -- just really chill not too overprotective about their kids. i guess having twins kind of makes you HAVE to be chill and just go with the flow of whatever happens. but they were great and we had so much fun with them and the babies were great and also really liked us. i'm really happy that we're finally being able to really get to know them.

i wanted to go to meeting this morning, like, was really looking forward to it, but, as mentioned above, slept too late. we've both been skipping meeting so much recently, and i don't like it, but also we're both just really stressed about a million things and having quiet and alone sunday mornings is nice. (emphasis on the alone, since quaker meeting is an hour of silence anyway.)

so yeah. this morning we missed meeting, but we went downtown and had brunch at a french place we've passed by a lot but never stopped in. it was really charming and they had really good coffee, and the food was really good. they had a bunch of vintage french posters for sale, and i loved this one and i really wanted to buy it, but it was raining and we didn't have an umbrella, so i knew it would get ruined the second we stepped outside. i might have to go back for it. we have the perfect place for it in our kitchen. :)

afterwards we went to the children's bookstore around the corner that we love too much and i found the book of mistakes which made me cry a little at the end. i think when we have a baby we're just going to register there and nowhere else. just buy us lots and lots of picture books.
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my wife was published on autostraddle! we're getting closer and closer to having to pick a sperm donor and it's getting frustrating. we have a few in mind, but the one we LOVE might be too expensive for us to use. the cheaper banks have some promising contenders, but we can't choose for sure until we do genetic counseling this summer. i'm actually really nervous about the genetic counseling since it's testing for charcot-marie-tooth, which my grandmother had, and my dad and brother both have CMT feet even though my dad refuses to get diagnosed and my brother hasn't yet. i have to be tested to see if i'm a carrier, and i'm worried that the test results will show that i actually have it. i have high arches, though not as prominently as my dad and brother do, but it can also onset really slowly soooooooooooo.

i had to take two xanax last night to fall asleep because i couldn't stop obsessing over it. every so often over the past few years i'll google "charcot-marie-tooth foot" and just compare my feet to the pictures of cmt feet for a long time. and now the anxiety about it is just growing. so like. on one hand it's good that i'll actually be getting an answer soon, but on the other hand i'm just getting more and more anxious about it the closer we get.

tonight we're having dinner with some sort-of-friends!!! they're a wonderful lesbian couple we met at a dog training class, and again at an LGBT family planning class, and then ran into at various restaurants and grocery stores in the neighborhood, but have never actually been able to spend time with. we've friended them on facebook after the family planning class and we've wanted to hang out forever, but they had twins about a year ago and britt and i are both working full-time and in school, so scheduling is impossible.

but we're having dinner with them tonight! i'm so excited to actually get to spend time talking to them and meet their beautiful twins and talk about lesbian conception woes. :)

i'm starting to want to try to reclaim christianity more? like. i don't know if i'll ever believe in god again, and i don't know if i WANT to, but i want to read the bible again and remember what i loved about it even when i didn't felt like it loved me back. i saw an article about how quakers should adopt liberation theology and picked up a few books on it, and found a book in our meeting's library called reading the bible again for the first time and really liked the intro. i'm reading that one right now and will read the liberation theology books afterwards.

it's weird. i don't know how i feel about it. i don't know if this will change anything about what i believe or my relationship with christianity, but i feel like i'm finally far away (time-wise, physical distance-wise, emotional trauma-wise) enough from the christianity of my youth to try giving it another shot. there are aspects of it that i miss so much and i want to see if i can somehow reclaim them.


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August 2017



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